Merger Monday

Every Monday, something gets acquired. Usually it’s an idea. Once it was a sandwich. (He merged it with another sandwich.)

The ritual

Merger Monday began as a stream concept: each week, the audience suggests something — a hobby, a snack, a minor household object — and he “acquires” it into the conglomerate with full ceremony: a term sheet (a napkin), a signing (gold ink), and a press release (a shout).

Greatest hits (fictional)

• The Great Sandwich Merger — two half-sandwiches, one glorious whole. Antitrust concerns were raised by no one.
• The Houseplant Acquisition — Q4 Fern joined the portfolio. Due diligence consisted of looking at it and saying “robust.”
• The Nap Merger — he merged his afternoon nap with his meditation practice. Synergies were “immediately realized.”

The lesson

Merger Monday is the character in miniature: grand ceremony, zero stakes, everybody laughing, nobody diminished. It’s also the clearest proof of the house rule — the satire is aimed at the rituals of business, never at people.