The Hostile Takeover

He acquired a rival conglomerate “mostly for the vending machines” — and somehow nobody got fired.

The target

Inertiacorp: a sprawling rival conglomerate famous for two things — resisting change, and an elite fleet of vending machines. Its board had rebuffed every suitor for a decade. Its vending machines, by all accounts, were pristine.

The approach

Where others sent lawyers, he sent lunch. Twelve working lunches, each more convivial than the last, culminating in the legendary PowerPoint titled “Together, We Vend.” The Inertiacorp board voted unanimously to merge after slide 14, which was just a photo of the two vending fleets side by side with a heart drawn around them.

The aftermath

He kept every employee, renamed the headquarters “the Annex of Opportunity,” and installed a plaque in the lobby: Acquired with affection. Business schools (fictional ones) still teach it as the only hostile takeover in history where the hostility was entirely on the stationery.

“They called it hostile. I call it enthusiastic.”

In-character lore: his comment at the merger press conference (fictional).