Tall tales from Floor 88. Every adventure below is invented lore — the only true thing about them is how hard the goldfish laughed.
The copier on Floor 12 jammed during the biggest contract print run in company history. Our hero — then a mailroom clerk — fixed it with a paperclip, a pep talk, and what witnesses describe as “unreasonable calm.” He closed the Henderson account before lunch and was promoted by dinner. HR still lists his title as “Junior Vice President of Getting Things Done (Interim, Permanent).”
Trapped between floors with a skeptical investor for forty-five minutes, he delivered his pitch, answered every objection, and closed the deal — then fixed the elevator with the investor’s pen. The investor framed the pen. The Bussinessman framed the term sheet. The elevator got a plaque.
A rival CEO challenged him to settle a merger dispute “like gentlemen” — on the back nine. The Bussinessman won the match, lost the ball (it went straight up; see the gallery), and negotiated a merger so friendly that both companies’ lawyers wept. Terms included a shared vending machine contract.
Two departments feuded over the good coffee machine for months. He merged them into a single “Department of Caffeinated Synergy,” installed a second machine, and declared the conflict resolved “with minimal restructuring and maximal espresso.” The plaque in the break room reads: In coffee we trust.
His most famous campaign, told in full on its own page. Short version: he acquired a rival conglomerate “mostly for the vending machines,” kept every employee, and renamed the headquarters “the Annex of Opportunity.”