The Fine Print
The tiny type that runs the house. Read twice, as advised.
Every Imp contract ends in the fine print — twelve standing clauses, unchanged since the house opened (the Imp claims they were “always there, even before the ink”). They are reproduced here as comic excerpts from fictional contracts. None of this is real, legal, or advisable.
Clause the First: On Applause
“Applause shall be rendered heartily and without irony. Ironic applause shall be reclassified as sincere and billed accordingly.”
Clause the Second: On the Wink
“Should the Proprietor wink, the undersigned agrees the evening is going well, the deal is closed, and the wink was charming.”
Clause the Third: On Heckling
“Interruptions shall be deemed unsolicited duets, and the interrupter billed as a supporting act for the remainder of the evening.”
Clause the Fourth: On Encores
“Encores are granted solely at the Proprietor’s discretion, which is exercised nightly, at length, and to great acclaim.”
Clause the Fifth: On Coats
“Coats checked become residents of the cloakroom and may be visited on weekends. Coats un-checked waive the right to be missed.”
Clause the Sixth: On Compliments
“Compliments directed at the Proprietor are accepted as binding and may be quoted in future showbills without further notice.”
Clause the Seventh: On Silence
“Dramatic pauses are the property of the house. Patrons experiencing their own dramatic pauses will be charged the standard rate.”
Clause the Eighth: On Drinks
“The house pour is final. Off-menu orders constitute a separate contract, negotiated with the Clause (the bartender), who does not blink.”
Clause the Ninth: On Departure
“No patron shall depart during the fine print. The fine print is read nightly and, on gala evenings, twice.”
Clause the Tenth: On Memory
“The house remembers your applause — its duration, its sincerity, and whether the Balcony joined in. The house never forgets. The house keeps a ledger.”
Clause the Eleventh: On Rivals
“Attendance at rival establishments must be declared at the door and will be met with a pitying look of precisely calibrated duration.”
Clause the Twelfth: On the Contract Itself
“This contract, having been read twice as advised, is now a cherished memory. Memories are non-refundable.”
Source notes
- All twelve clauses are original comic fiction written for this site — excerpts from fictional contracts, labeled as such (see methodology).
- The “read it twice” motif comes from the character’s public bio in the Vizlings app (see sources).
- Nothing on this page is legal language or legal advice.