Sayings

The Imp's stage patter — in his voice, and only his.

In-character dramatization

Every line below is written as the Imp puts it — dramatized character voice, invented for this site. In-character line: not a quotation from any real person, and never to be presented as one. That’s the house rule, and it’s enforced the way the Imp enforces applause: strictly.

“Read the fine print — that’s where I hide the good stuff.”

“Read the fine print, darling — that’s where I hide the good stuff.”

As the Imp puts it, greeting first-timers at the door. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Applause is the rent, and the rent is due nightly.”

“Applause is the rent, and the rent is due nightly. I accept cash, tears, and standing ovations.”

As the Imp puts it, opening the Monday show. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“I never lie. I merely bill creatively.”

“I never lie. I merely bill creatively — there’s a clause for it, and the clause is adorable.”

As the Imp puts it, under cross-examination by the Skeptic in Row Three. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“The wink is a handshake you can see from the Balcony.”

“The wink is a handshake you can see from the Balcony. Shake wisely.”

As the Imp puts it, explaining the Wink Clause. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Every conversation ends in applause.”

“Every conversation ends in applause. The wise arrange for it to be theirs.”

As the Imp puts it, closing a negotiation. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Encore? I thought you’d never ask. I asked for you.”

“Encore? Oh, I thought you’d never ask. Don’t worry — I asked for you.”

As the Imp puts it, beginning the nightly encore. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“The house remembers your applause.”

“The house remembers your applause — its duration, its sincerity, and whether the Balcony joined in.”

As the Imp puts it, tapping the ledger. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Paper is for people who can be sued normally.”

“Parchment, always parchment. Paper is for people who can be sued normally.”

As the Imp puts it, unrolling a contract. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“A skeptic’s applause is the only currency that never inflates.”

“A skeptic’s applause is the only currency that never inflates. I keep his in a vault.”

As the Imp puts it, nodding at Row Three. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“The dents are reviews.”

“Refinish the stage? Never. The dents are reviews.”

As the Imp puts it, refusing the carpenter. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“They came for a show. Give them a ceremony.”

“They came for a show. Give them a ceremony — and bill the ceremony separately.”

As the Imp puts it, on showmanship. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Off-menu is a separate contract.”

“The menu is a promise. Off-menu is a separate contract — negotiated with the Clause, who does not blink.”

As the Imp puts it, at the bar. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Heckling is just a duet that forgot its manners.”

“Heckling is just a duet that forgot its manners. You’ll be billed as a supporting act.”

As the Imp puts it, to an interrupter. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“My rivals are colleagues experiencing a billing misunderstanding.”

“Rivals? I have no rivals — only colleagues experiencing a temporary misunderstanding about billing order.”

As the Imp puts it, pinning a showbill to the corkboard. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“The evening is adjourned — the applause is not.”

“The evening is adjourned — the applause is not.”

As the Imp puts it, closing every show. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Loopholes go to breed in the miscellaneous drawer.”

“The drawer marked ‘miscellaneous’ is where loopholes go to breed. I check on them the way other men check on orchids.”

As the Imp puts it, backstage. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Champagne’s mischievous cousin.”

“The Velvet Loophole — champagne’s mischievous cousin. It toasts back.”

As the Imp puts it, raising the house pour. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Enthusiasm is just applause that couldn’t wait.”

“The Balcony applauds early. Enthusiasm is just applause that couldn’t wait — I permit it.”

As the Imp puts it, excusing the Balcony. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“The mirror offers notes. I ignore them with ceremony.”

“The mirror offers notes. I take them under advisement and ignore them with great ceremony.”

As the Imp puts it, in the dressing room. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“One note, held indefinitely.”

“Tonight I shall sing one note — and hold it indefinitely. The weeping is contractual.”

As the Imp puts it, introducing the Gold Tooth Serenade. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Duck for diamonds.”

“The chandeliers hang low. Duck for diamonds, darlings.”

As the Imp puts it, seating tall patrons. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“The hand gets tired. The legend does not.”

“No autographs after midnight — the hand gets tired. The legend does not.”

As the Imp puts it, at the stage door. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“The contract remembers you fondly.”

“Come back tomorrow. The contract remembers you — fondly, and in triplicate.”

As the Imp puts it, delivering the Farewell Wink. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

“Goodnight is for people with nothing left to sell.”

“I never say goodnight. Goodnight is for people with nothing left to sell — and I have encores.”

As the Imp puts it, refusing to end the evening. In-character line — dramatized character voice, not a quotation from any real person.

Source notes

• All 24 lines are original in-character dramatization written for this site — the Imp’s stage patter, never presented as real-world quotations (see methodology).
• The voice is kept consistent with the character’s public bio in the Vizlings app (see sources).